I found the problem on my realmstatus, and, of course, it had nothing to do with the code. As it turns out, my service provider (Aplus.net) enabled some firewall rules a month or so back that disabled scripts from being able to call up webpages. Of course, they neglected to tell anyone that they did this, so I've been pulling my hair out for a month!
Once I got them to grant some exceptions for my website, things are working again.
How did I figure this out? I SSH'd into my host and tried telenetting to worldofwarcraft.com:80 and immediately got a permission denied error. That led me to suspect either my ISP or theirs was blocking traffic on port 80. A quick phone call confirmed it was mine. :p